Delusive Fate

#001

#1. Lee Han-sol

If I had to describe my life in one word, it would be dog shit.

Obviously, I don’t mean it’s dog shit because it has medicinal uses.

It’s just that I can’t suddenly say to someone I’ve just met, “My life is so fucked up beyond repair that it’s irredeemable trash. Every day is so miserable that I want to kill myself right now. But you couldn’t care less whether I die or not, so I’ll just cheer on your energetic day, fighting!” So it’s a moderately compromised expression.

Anyway, my life is like unlucky dog shit sprawled on the street like a landmine, trampled under the sole of someone’s newly bought shoes.

“Shit, fuck…”

As I open my eyes, I see the familiar ceiling, feel the familiar touch of the blanket wrapped around my body. And behind my back, the familiar warmth of someone holding me tight.

Even the breathing of the person next to me is so familiar that I’m confident I could distinguish it among countless people, like a dog recognizing its owner.

“Fuck, again.”

At the start of a day so excessively familiar that I want to vomit, I can’t help but curse. A life where I swear as soon as I open my eyes. How’s that for a life?

Anyway, it seems I’ve reached a point where I can’t speak without cursing these days. I wasn’t always like this. It’s not like I was born saying, “Fuck, waah, why did you bring me into this shitty world? Put me back while I’m asking nicely, waah.”

I was born as an extremely ordinary, normal baby and grew up as an extremely ordinary, normal child. Back then, I was full of dreams and hope. I also had manners and knew how to speak properly and politely. Although I went through a difficult growth process due to the huge issue of the world going to hell later, I definitely became a reasonably functional adult without major defects in social skills.

I swear on all my possessions. Everything I’m about to say is the absolute truth without a shred of lie. In fact, I used to be quite a kind person. To be specific, I was a righteous human who knew how to compliment others, be considerate, and act sensitively to avoid hurting others. I endured, spoke positively, dreamed of a hopeful future even in chaos, and loved… ugh, blegh, urgh, love, seriously.

“Ugh, urgh, blegh…”

Damn, I let my guard down. To even mention ‘that word’ which makes me nauseous just thinking about it. I was so disheartened by the miserable reality I faced upon opening my eyes that I emptied my brain and rambled on, inadvertently making a mistake.

The two-syllable word ‘sa’ (love) is the most disgusting word in the world. The composition of its consonants and vowels is nauseating, the overall appearance of the completed word is repulsive, and its meaning and usage are also unpleasant. It’s the worst word in history that makes you grimace just by its existence. If I looked in a mirror now, my face would be a perfect example of a ‘shit-eating expression’ for a textbook.

Sa-something, a hormonal action in two syllables, a formless idea. I hate it more than anything in the world. Just as I wasn’t originally foul-mouthed but became one, sa-shh wasn’t originally an object of contempt, but now I despise it. I’ve made up my mind to kill everyone who mentions it in front of me if possible, and if not, to curse them until I die.

There was a time when I lived for those two syllables. There must be old-fashioned people who would scold, “How dare a slick young brat who hasn’t even lived as many years as there are eggs in a carton talk about ‘once upon a time’?” But that’s really something you can say only because you don’t know. You don’t know anything, so you can judge my age by my face and ID.

Actually, I’ve lived twice my age. Without even knowing.

Of course, I’ve never been over thirty on paper… But in terms of the time I’ve spent rubbing my feet on this earth, a carton of eggs is a laughable number. It’s been 40 years, maybe even over 50.

You might think this is nonsense. But just remember that I bet all my possessions on this being the truth. And I’m not showing off with just 328 won left in my bank account. I have quite a bit of money. I work in a dangerous 3D industry, so the life allowance is considerable.

Well, the compensation can’t be small for a job where you have to face a monster called extinction… I mean, face extinction with your bare hands.

Anyway, I really was once a person who lived solely for those two syllables, sa-something. I staked my life on such an emotion. I died countless times, craving it.

After dying with my limbs torn apart and coughing up blood, I would resurrect like Jesus who rose from the dead three days after burial, and tirelessly repeat the same thing. I couldn’t stand my own foolishness. But the reality that I would never receive that emotion from that person again was even harder to bear. So I couldn’t give up. I had no choice.

Because I’m just a person made to be that way.

As pathetic as it is.

“Thinking about it makes me feel so fucking miserable I can’t live… Really, how can this be? Is it ‘either the lead role or not a person at all’?”

In any case, I was originally that kind of person. Someone who always tried to be happy, found hope in small things, and passionately loved, blegh, and devoted myself.

In that sense, life’s hardships are truly terrifying. Nothing goes as you want, there’s no certainty that this fucking fate will end if you endure, and not even the hope that you might fall into hell when this wretched life finally ends. As a result, even a normal person turns into such a vulgar human trash.

Why does time fly so fast? Quite a lot of time has passed since I became a loser who can only curse and think negatively whenever I open my mouth. Recently, I’ve become so accustomed to being human trash that when I recall my ordinary past, it feels rather unfamiliar. Not just me, but probably the people around me too.

Of course, they would be shocked ‘today’.

Familiar, but shocked today. You might think, what nonsense is this? I understand. To understand this, you need to know my special circumstances. Unless you know my secret, no, the secret of this world, you won’t understand a bit of what I’m saying.

Anyway, what’s certain is that the people around me will be shocked to see me like this today. They’ll all be surprised, wondering how I became such a lowlife overnight.

After all, from ‘this time’s’ their perspective, I, who was normal, really appeared as a terrifying potty mouth in just one day. Although ‘last time’s’ they were so used to the trash version of Lee Han-sol (that’s my name) that they felt awkward when I spoke politely.

‘This time’s’ they will whisper for a while that I’ve caught a severe mental illness or that I’ve been possessed by a terrible demon while doing something strange. It’s annoying that they talk nonsense without knowing anything, but it’s okay.

Honestly, if I saw a normal person turn into an unbearable character wreck in half a day, I would’ve clicked my tongue saying this bastard is possessed by a demon. What can I expect from people who don’t know anything?

I’m just talking trash, I’m not an idiot incapable of common sense thinking. Really.

Anyway, there’s no need to worry even if the ignorant people spread all sorts of rumors while extremely hating the scumbag edition of Lee Han-sol right now. This controversy will never spread widely. How do I know that?

Because I’ve already experienced it.

So many times that I can’t even count on my fingers.

“Fuck!!!!!!!!!!”

“…Gasp!”

Thud!

As I chewed over the suffocating reality, my anger boiled over. When I shouted loudly, ‘this time’s’ guy who was sleeping soundly next to me suddenly jumped up. He flailed his long arms and legs clumsily and even rolled off the bed.

Shit… he’s doing all sorts of things.

I clicked my tongue, feeling more annoyed rather than amused at his pathetic physical comedy.

“Ugh…”

I heard groaning from under the bed, but I didn’t even look. Because I didn’t want to see his face.

Fuckthisshittyworldpleasecollapsealreadyasteroidcomecrashintotheearthrightnowaandmakehumansgoextinctlikedinosaursatonceallyougatesintheworlexploderightnowlet’sseethefirstsimultaneousgateexplosionintheworld’shistorythat’seventbetteryoumonstersdisasteringyou’reallsodamnuglydoesitmakeyouangrythencomeoutthroughthegatesrightnowoozeouttogethertramploeeveryhumaninsighthumanitycollapseeworldcollapseyou’vealreadycollapsedbutcollapsecompletelywithoutleavingevenashes collapse collapse collapse please collapse fucking collapse.

I glared at the ceiling, muttering almost like chanting a sutra.

“Hyung…?”

“To be abandoned once again in this shitty world. Please just let me die kill me I’ve died a lot already but just let me stay dead please let me go I don’t want to live I’m sick of it I feel like I’m going crazy actually I’m already fucking crazy I’m a psycho I don’t want to live I want to die I really feel like I’m losing it ahhh.”

“Hyung? Han-sol hyung…? What are you doing…?”

It must be scary to see me lying straight and muttering like a crazy person. I heard ‘this time’s’ guy asking naively from the side. His voice still had traces of sleep, probably because he was suddenly woken by my cursing. Nevertheless, it was low and soft, a voice I wanted to keep hearing.

I once thought that voice was like a blanket well-dried in the sunshine. A soft cotton blanket, crisp and dry, that makes you feel good every time you touch it. When that voice laughed or sighed or moaned happily, even in that brief moment, my heart felt comforted as if covered by a blanket. There was a time like that once.

A fucking time that I want to tear to shreds out of shame.

I glared at ‘this time’s’ guy who kept whining “Hyung, hyung…” without reading the room. His broad shoulders flinched. He smiled awkwardly while watching my reaction.

“Hyung?”

“What.”

“You’re Han-sol hyung, right? You are, right…?”

“Shit… Hey. If I’m not Lee Han-sol.”

“Huh?”

“If I’m not Lee Han-sol, then who am I? Who else would I be?”

Who else would I be, fucking hell, if not Lee Han-sol who was sleeping in the same bed with you, under the same blanket, holding you tight? Who do you wish I was, if not Lee Han-sol lying here?