Deadpool Reincarnated: Chaos and Blades in the World of KonoSuba

Vanir's offer hung in the dusty air of the magic shop, thick with the scent of opportunity and brimstone. Kazuma's mind, which had been celebrating a quarter-million Eris payday, immediately slammed on the brakes. Deals with devils, as a rule, tended to have terrible, soul-incinerating fine print.

"A business proposition?" Kazuma asked, his voice dripping with suspicion. He instinctively pulled their bag of money closer. "We're not interested. We're going to pay off our debt the old-fashioned way: through decades of miserable, back-breaking labor."

"Hoh? But where is the fun in that?" Vanir chuckled, his red eye gleaming behind the cracked mask. "I offer you a shortcut. A chance to laugh in the face of your creditors. Unless, of course, you lack the courage for a true high-stakes venture."

"Courage is my middle name!" Darkness declared, stepping forward. "If this venture involves peril, danger, and the significant chance of being horribly maimed, then I accept on behalf of the party!"

"Nobody speaks for the party but me!" Kazuma snapped. "And I say no!"

"Now, now, let's hear the man out," Deadpool said, stepping between them. He turned to Vanir, a look of professional interest on his face. "I'm always open to new investment opportunities. What's the pitch? Are we talking insider trading? Hostile takeovers? Are we shorting the turnip market?"

Vanir's posture straightened, adopting the air of a master showman. "My foresight grants me glimpses of things to come. And I have foreseen the opening of a door that has been sealed for a thousand years. A dungeon. Not a mere catacomb, but the lost treasury-vault of the Archmage Krell, a wizard known for his immense power and even more immense paranoia."

He spread his hands dramatically. "Its seal broke less than a day ago. It is brimming with magical artifacts, legendary equipment, and piles of gold from a forgotten era. It is a ripe fruit, waiting to be plucked."

"So it's a standard dungeon crawl," Kazuma said, unimpressed. "We've done those."

"Ah, but here is the beauty of it," Vanir said, leaning in. "No one else knows. My foresight is absolute. The official discovery, the moment some foolish farmer stumbles upon the entrance, will not happen for another forty-eight hours. After that, this quiet little town will be flooded with high-level adventuring parties from the capital, all vying for a piece of the pie. But you… you have a two-day head start."

The implications slammed into Kazuma with the force of a physical blow. A virgin dungeon. The first pick of everything. No competition. It was every adventurer's ultimate fantasy.

"We'd be the first ones in," Deadpool whispered, his voice trembling with greed. "We're not just adventurers; we're pioneers! We're looters! It's not grave-robbing if they're not famous yet! It's exploratory archaeology!"

"I foresee powerful magical energies within," Vanir continued, his voice a tempting serpent's hiss. "Energies that would provide a most satisfying… boom." Megumin's eye went wide.

"And the traps Krell was famous for were legendary in their cruelty and complexity," Vanir added. "A true test of an adventurer's endurance." Darkness shivered with delight.

"And the treasure," Vanir concluded, "would likely contain many rare and potent ingredients, perfect for crafting the finest, most celestial-grade wines." Aqua, who had been glowering at him, suddenly looked intrigued.

Vanir had perfectly targeted every single one of their vices. It was a masterstroke of demonic salesmanship.

Kazuma felt his resolve crumbling. He could see it: a pile of gold so high he could ski down it. He could taste it: the freedom from debt. He knew it was a terrible, reckless idea to trust a devil, but the temptation was overwhelming.

"What's your cut?" Kazuma asked, the words feeling like a betrayal of his own common sense.

"A mere thirty percent of the net profits," Vanir said smoothly. "A small price to pay for an exclusive tip-off that could make you millions. My master Wiz will act as the appraiser and fence for any items you recover. It is all very clean. Very professional."

Kazuma looked at his party. Their faces were a chorus of greed and terrible ideas. He was outvoted before a vote was even cast. He let out a long, suffering sigh, the official sound of his surrender.

"Fine," he grumbled. "Give us the map."

Vanir produced a rolled-up parchment with a flourish. "A pleasure doing business with you," he said with a chuckle that made Kazuma's skin crawl. "Oh, and one small piece of advice. Krell the Archmage had a… peculiar sense of humor when it came to his security systems. Do try not to die in a way that is too amusing."

With that, he and Wiz watched as the party, armed with a devil's map and questionable judgment, rushed out of the shop.

The location was a few hours away, a remote, rocky expanse where nothing grew. In the center of a barren patch of ground was a chasm that hadn't been there a week ago, a jagged crack in the earth leading down into darkness.

"Alright, team!" Deadpool announced, striking a pose at the edge of the chasm. "Operation: Dungeon Smash-and-Grab is a go! From this moment on, we are using codenames. I am 'The Crimson Collector.' Kazuma, you are 'Captain Buzzkill.' Aqua is 'Wet Blanket.' Megumin is 'Little Miss Kaboom.' And Darkness is… well, you can just stay Darkness. It's already dramatic enough."

They descended into the chasm, using ropes and Aqua's surprisingly useful ability to create handholds out of water that she then froze. They found themselves in a large, perfectly square room carved from black, obsidian-like stone. The air was cold and still. A single, massive stone door stood at the far end. And in the very center of the room, on a simple stone pedestal, was a large, red, polished button.

Beneath the button, a single sentence was carved into the stone in elegant script:

"For a good time, push."

Silence.

"Okay," Kazuma said, his voice tense and echoing in the chamber. "Rule number one of our first, professional, high-stakes dungeon crawl: nobody, under any circumstances, touches the giant, mysterious, obviously-trapped button."

"But it looks so friendly!" Deadpool argued. "It's like a big, red welcome mat! It says 'For a good time'! Maybe it starts a disco party! Or dispenses free appetizers!"

"A button that tempts you with pleasure but likely leads to ruin…" Darkness mused, her breath hitching. "To press it would be to invite unknown calamity upon us all… an act of pure, unadulterated recklessness…"

"DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT!" Kazuma shrieked, seeing the look in both their eyes.

But it was too late. Fueled by a shared, glorious, terrible instinct, both Deadpool and Darkness lunged for the pedestal at the exact same moment. Kazuma dove to intercept them, a frantic, slow-motion ballet of bad ideas.

Their hands all slapped down on the big red button at the same time.

There was a loud, final-sounding CLICK.

The stone door behind them slammed shut with a deafening THUD, sealing them inside. Then, from hidden grilles in the ceiling, a cheerful, disembodied voice filled the chamber, chipper and full of energy.

"Welcome, brave adventurers, to Krell's Gauntlet of Gratuitous Grief! Let's get ready to play our first game… 'The Walls Are Closing In! And They're Full of Spikes!' Good luck, contestants!"

The walls on either side of the room began to grind slowly, menacingly inward. And from tiny holes, thousands of sharp, rusty spikes began to emerge.